ambiguity

So, today my life path changed somewhat...well, more than somewhat and I unfortunately cannot tell anyone about it. I'm dying to get it off my chest and need to lean on my friends right now, but I can't really. So this post is my way of getting it out.

This change is defiantly something that I've wanted, but I really wanted it to happen in my own time frame. And now that it IS happening I'm having several waves of emotion - from total shock to fear to stress...I think the emotions noted would have been drastically different if things had happened a bit differently.

I'm thankful that some things have been set in motion to make this change a bit easier, but I'm still not really ready. I do know though that I AM on the right path. This is the way things were meant to happen...I can feel it. Whether it's true or not, putting it in writing makes me feel better at least.

I did have something else happen today that I thought would make the first thing a bit easier to swallow, but it didn't...it actually made it a bit harder and gave me way more to think about. Frick!

Damn, this is a hard blog to write. It's all good. I'm sure my friends will feel the same when I'm able to tell my tale...but for now I'm dealing with it as best I can.

On another note, my instructor thinks my flying is at commercial standards! wow, huh??!!? He says I'm ready for my instrument check ride after my next flight so I really have to get on the ball and study my ass off for the oral. I'm not there yet in that regard. I have some time to study tomorrow after work and have some ground school on Wednesday...so maybe check ride next week. From there it's just a few short hours before my commercial check ride - then who knows what...need to network more!

Progressing outside of my comfort zone

Life seems to be coming at me at a million miles an hour these days. I have gone from spending my afternoons at the gym or helping my grandparents and being bored with myself and life to flying helicopters and studying and being busy as hell in just a short couple of months. How crazy is that??

At first, just learning how to not kill myself in the helicopter was WAY outside of my comfort zone. Now I'm more comfortable and have been plugging away at the maneuvers that I will eventually need to master. But, it seems every time I find my comfort zone something else gets thrown at me...the biggest just this week. It seems that Roar thinks I'm about ready to solo. Wow...I don't really feel like I'm ready to solo. Not to mention that, but in order to solo I have to be checked out by another instructor. This really sucks and is freaking me out because a) I don't really like new people, b) I don't like being put on the spot and having to perform, c) I'm totally shy and completely lack self confidence and d) did I mention that I don't do well with new people, oh and e) I'm a complete klutz and will most certainly do something stupid and make an asshole out of myself. I'm starting to hyperventilate just thinking about it all. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a pilot? Seriously...I do stupid shit all the time.

Next thing, It appears that I'm ready to do my dual cross country as well. This isn't as bad as soloing because Roar will be in the heli with me and will be able to point the way when I start veering off towards Cuba or something. My navigational skills aren't the best...especially in a helicopter. Whenever I take focus away from flying, say to look for a check point, my flying skills go out the window. I either start to gain altitude, lose altitude or slow down to near 0 airspeed...none of which is safe. I wonder if other people deal with the same things?

Well, I guess if it wasn't challenging me I'd be bored and would have quit by now (actually, I think I've quit and started again about 20 times now).

Funny...(funny ha ha)

I have a rather large pool of pilots in my immediate circles. I figured that would be beneficial to me when learning all my ground school crap, but as I've come to realize...not so much. On several occasions now I have asked several of them to help me with different issue (nothing that I thought was too difficult like aerodynamics, weather, etc...basically standard navigation and understanding of airport information) and would you believe that they've all struggled with the answers. I'm expected to retain all this (obviously) meaningless stuff simply for a test.

Oh well. I'm going to try to get my written out of the way next week so I can purge all of the useless information from my brain so I have more room for important stuff like 80s song lyrics, margarita recipes, directions to every good sushi restaurant in town and happy hour times at the local bars!

WTF???

This is insane!! Please read me.

Inhumanity / Jumping to conclusions

This blog is entirely premature, but I have to get it off my chest. Several years ago my grandmother had breast cancer. She had the lymph nodes removed and radiation (she refused chemo). Last year she had an abnormal mammogram, but told me that what they saw was scar tissue…I, not realizing how sneaky my grandmother can be, believed her (assuming this is was the doctors told her).

A couple of weeks ago she commented to me that the cancer was back and that she wasn’t going to do anything about it. This, obliviously, is not the way I would like to see her handle something of this caliber so I talked her into going to the doctor to have it looked at in case it was not what she assumed.

Yesterday was her appointment. The lump is very large (actually visible)…the doctor took a look and felt around it. The first thing she asked my grandmother is what her plans were if she told her that the cancer was back. Well, my grandmother, being the loon that she can be, said “party”.

They are setting her up for a diagnostic mammogram and biopsy. This should all take place in the next week or two.

This is the part of me that’s jumping to conclusions because it has not yet been affirmed that what the doctor saw is in fact the cancer returning…we will not know for sure until the test results (but the way the doctor presented it and grandma’s history – it’s pretty certain).

I know very little about cancer, but what I do know is that it can lead to a long agonizing death. This makes me realize how inhumane our society is that we will put our beloved pets out of their misery, but will sit back and watch our loved ones, our family, our friends, our spouses die a slow painful death. Yeah, I know there are drugs for the pain, but please.

When my mom and Maizee died I was thankful for the fact that neither of them suffered. I don’t know how I’m going to handle this if I have to watch my grandmother suffer even the least little bit.

The only good I can see from knowing that the time is coming is the fact that I will be able to say good-bye unlike my mom’s passing and that we will be able to throw a big ass party for her while she can still enjoy it. You are all invited!!

I'm a MORON!

So, I'm at work today doing a little internet surfing...(not really surfing, actually doing a little work at our book service website and checking some email) when mere moments after shutting down IE my entire computer screen turns green. Oh shit I think...I'm going to be in deep doo doo with Mike for catching the Saint Patrick's Day virus!!

I'm not really allowed to surf the internet and my computer does not have virus software so I'm freaking out wondering how I'm gonna tell Mike. Instead I call Justin thinking that he's a pretty good surfer and is pretty smart with computers...maybe he can find a fix.

Meanwhile, Mike returns from the bank and my eyes are burning from staring at the bright green and pee yellow screen so I decide to fess up.

Mike comes and looks at my screen and decides that we will switch out monitors. Would you believe that I didn't actually have the dreaded Saint Patrick's Day virus??!! LOL Turns out that right at the very moment I shut down the internet my computer monitor blew one of it's color tubes?? and what was left (just days before St. Patty's Day) was green!!

I'm too stupid for my own good sometimes!! And no, there's no such thing as the Saint Patrick's Day virus...at least not one that turns your screen green!

Tires that smell like what??

Kumho lavendar scented tires

What’s next?

OK – so really, what’s the point?? I, personally, like the new rubber
smell…but only when I’m in a tire store. I do not routinely get down on my hands and knees to sniff my cars rubber shoes. I think the engineers at Kumho have been sniffing WAY too much rubber!

It’s not noted on the website, but I heard on the radio that they are
currently working on scents for men such as BBQ and hot dog scents! I bet
the neighborhood dogs with LOVE those! Dog mortality rate will be on the
rise – just another reason for “Rover” to chase the family roadster!